We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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