Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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