Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
