I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
