I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
