Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
