It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Rumble strips road head = magical
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
