sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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