Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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