i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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