And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Randomize
