and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
