Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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