Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
