Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
