I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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