Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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