my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
The best revenge is premature balding
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
