I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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