I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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