my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
