I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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