I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
