There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
