he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
