So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
