My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
