Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
