New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
