mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
