Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
