The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize