Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
