New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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