I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
