took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
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There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
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I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
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