If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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