I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
