the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
