think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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