Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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