She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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