so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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