maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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