a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
