Can i not drive my cunt home
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
