Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
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you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
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doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.