8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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