I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Walk of Shame today included voting.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize