If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
