I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
