When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I AM VODKA MAN
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
