I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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