Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
