On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
