Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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