Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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